I must begin by telling you that I cannot take credit for “The Rules”. No, a wiser man than I wrote them down, or perhaps it was a group of men, each one wiser and older than the next, meeting in secret, late into the night. I came upon the rules quite accidentally. The Uxor Secundus and I were in a dingy restaurant supply store looking for dishware, cups, and the like. When we had made our selections, we approached the counter, really nothing more than a couple of sheets of plywood slapped together, and that had been done many many years ago.
An equally aged register stood upon the counter, and taped to the front of it with yellowed, cracking, cellophane tape was a well worn, smudged piece of paper. Upon reading it, the Uxor Secundus flew into a rage, something I had never seen her do, and stormed out of the store. I wondered what could have elicited such violence from a person who, while far from genial, was to my knowlege a proponent of free speech. Written upon it, in plain block letters, the work of some careful draftsman of years past, I read a set rules purporting to outline the basic state of affairs between a man and a woman.
Here they are young man, and if you think that this is some kind of a joke, I strongly suggest that you think again.
- The woman makes the rules.
- The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice.
- No man can possibly know all the rules.
- If the woman suspects the man knows the rules, the rules immediately change.
- The woman is never wrong.
- If the woman is wrong , it is the direct result of something the man did or said.
- If the previous rule applies, the man must apologize immediately.
- The woman may change her mind at anytime.
- The man may not change his mind with out prior written permission from the woman.
- The woman has every right to be upset or angry at any time.
- The man must remain calm at all times unless the woman wants him to be angry or upset.
- The woman must never let the man know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- It is forbidden to document the rules.
- If the woman is “not feeling well” all the rules are null and void.
- The woman is ready when she is ready.
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