(Sung to the tune of “There’s no Business like Show Business.”)

The Elders, the Deacons, the Choir, the Church,
are generally known to be a stodgy bunch,
and yet,
The Elders, the Deacons, the Choir, the Church,
all smile and laugh when they go into lunch.

And if you wonder what should make it so,
Just ask them and they’ll tell you that they know,

There’s no Calvin like John Calvin, like no Calvin I know.
Everything about him is appealing,
Everything that doctrine will allow.
No where can you get that happy feeling,
when he’s revealing what we avow.

There’s no ‘vinists like Calvinists,
They smile because they know

Even though some Christians are a bit confused
When Jesus calls you, you can’t refuse
When they get to Heaven they’ll all change their views

Cause God’s running the show,
Yes! God’s running the show.

Our Book of Church Order, our hymnals, our schools,
are carefully designed so they ensure,
Our Book of Church Order, our hymnals, our schools,
are all kept theo-log-ic-al-ly pure.
If there’s some doubt about whether we do,
There’s only one thing left to say to you.

There’s no Calvin like John Calvin, like no Calvin I know
If your pondering deep religious questions.
Counting angels dancing on a pin.
He will answer all of your objections,
Upon reflection, you will give in.

There’s no ‘vinists like Calvinists,
Elect right from the start.

Even though the world may see us sore oppressed,
By schisms rendered, by lies distressed.
All in all it’s really hard to be depressed,

When Christ lives in your heart!
When Christ lives in your heart!